The child and his mother
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
Перевод:
Ребенок и его мать
Любопытный ребенок спрашивает свою маму: «Мамочка, почему некоторые волосы у тебя на голове становятся серыми?»
Мать попыталась воспользоваться ситуацией и дать урок своему чаду: «Это все из-за тебя, дорогой. Каждый твой плохой поступок делает один мой волосок седым!»
Ребенок невинно ответил: «Теперь я знаю, почему у бабушки на голове только седые волосы».
Wrong email address
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Перевод:
Неправильный e-mail
Пара отправляется в отпуск, но жена едет с деловой целью, поэтому муж первым приехал на место, а жена встретила его на следующий день.
Когда он добрался до отеля, то решил оправить жене быстрое элетронное письмо.
К сожалению, когда он набирал ее адрес, он пропустил букву, и его письмо ушло вместо его жены к пожилой жене священника, муж которой скончался как раз день назад.
Когда скорбящая вдова проверяла электронную почту, она взглянула один раз на монитор, издала крик ужаса и упала на пол в глубоком обмороке.
Услышав этот звук, родственники бросились к ней в комнату и увидели записку на экране:
Дорогая жена,
Только что разместился. Все готово для твоего завтрашнего прибытия.П. С.: Здесь жарко.
Will’s experience at the airport
After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
Перевод:
Случай с Уиллом в аэропорту
После возвращения из Рима Уилл не мог найти свой багаж в багажном отделении аэропорта. Он пошел в бюро находок и сказал женщине, работающей там, что его сумки так и не появились на карусели.
Она улыбнулась и сказала ему, чтобы он не беспокоился, потому что у них работают профессионалы, и он в надежных руках.
Потом она спросила: «Ваш самолет уже прилетел?»
Clever kids
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
Перевод:
Умные детки
Офицер полиции нашел идеальное скрытое место для наблюдения за автомобилистами, превышающими скорость.
Однажды офицера поразил тот факт, что все автомобилисты ехали на скорости, ниже установленного лимита. Он провел расследование и выявил проблему.
Десятилетний мальчик стоял на обочине с большой табличкой в руках, на которой было написано: «Впереди ловушка для автолихачей».
Дальнейшая исследовательская работа привела офицера к соучастнику мальчика: он увидел еще одного паренька, стоявшего в 100 ярдах позади полицейского с радаром, рядом была табличка с надписью «Чаевые» и ведро у его ног, заполненное мелочью.
Mouthology
A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
Перевод:
Болтология
Профессор путешествовал на лодке. Во время пути он спросил моряка:
«Вы знаете биологию, экологию, зоологию, географию, психологию?»
Моряк отвечал «Нет» на все его вопросы.
Профессор: Что тогда вы вообще знаете? Вы же умрете от неграмотности.
Через какое-то время лодка начала тонуть. Моряк спросил профессора, знает ли плавалогию, спасениелогию и акулологию.
Профессор сказал нет.
Моряк: «Ну, тогда акулология и крокодилология съест вашу задологию, головологию, и вы умрете от болтологии».
Captain
A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”
Перевод:
Капитан
Капитан военно-морского флота предупредил своего первого помощника о том, что к ним направляется пиратский корабль. Он попросил матроса достать ему красную футболку.
Капитана спросили: «Зачем вам красная футболка?»
Капитан ответил: «Когда я буду истекать кровью, вы, ребята, этого не заметите и не будете бояться».
В конце концов они победили пиратов.
На следующий же день капитан объявил тревогу о том, что 50 пиратских кораблей приближаются к их лодке. Он закричал: «Принесите мне мои коричневые штаны!»
Elephant
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”
Перевод:
Слон
Учительница просит учеников назвать животное, начинающееся с «E». Один мальчик сказал «Elephant» (слон).
Затем учительница попросила назвать животное, начинающееся с буквы «T». Тот же самый мальчик сказал: «Two elephants» (два слона).
Учительница выгнала мальчика из класса за плохое поведение. После этого она попросила назвать животное, начинающееся на «M».
Мальчик крикнул по ту сторону стены: «Maybe an elephant!» (Может быть, слон).
Many years ago two friends, Joe and Tom, came to a small town. It was very dark when they came to a little inn. They asked for a room with two beds. The owner of the inn showed them a room and gave them a candle because there was no lamp in the room.
When they were going to the room the candle fell out of Joe"s hand. It became very dark. They found the door of the room and went in.
They took off their clothes and went to bed. The bed was very big and by mistake1 they got into the same bed: Tom from one side and Joe from the other.
After a few minutes Joe said, "You know, Tom, there"s a man in my bed. Here are his feet near my face."
"Yes, Joe, there"s a man in my bed too. His feet are near my face too. What shall we do?"
"Let"s push them off our beds."
And they began to push each other. After some time the two men fell on the floor.
"Joe!" cried Tom. "My man is stronger than I. He has pushed me down to the floor."
"I"m on the floor too," answered Joe. "I think we must go to the owner of the inn and tell him about it."
Are You Angry, Sir?
One day Mark Twain was travelling in France by train. He was going to a small town near Paris. It was very late at night when he went to sleep. He asked the conductor to wake him up when they got to the town, and went to sleep.
It was early morning when he woke up. The train was already near Paris. Mark Twain was very angry. He ran up to the conductor and cried, "I asked you to wake me up! Why didn"t you do it? I am very angry with you!"
The conductor looked at him for a moment and then said, "You may be angry, sir, but not so angry as the American whom I put off" the train instead of you."
In a Small Town
Toscanini was a great musician. He lived in America. One day he came to a very little town. He was walking along the street when he saw a piece of paper in one of the windows. He read:
"Mrs. Smith. Music Lessons. Two Dollars a Lesson"
Then Toscanini heard the music. Somebody was playing Tchaikovsky.
"Mrs Smith is playing," he thought, "she isn"t a very good musician. She doesn"t play Tchaikovsky well. I must show her how to play it."
He went up to the door of the house and rang. The music stopped and soon a woman opened the door.
"Are you Mrs Smith?" asked Toscanini. "My name is Toscanini and I want to show you how to play Tchaikovsky."
Mrs Smith was very glad to meet the great musician. She asked him to come in. Toscanini played Tchaikovsky for her and went away.
A year later Toscanini visited the same town again. When he went up to the house where he had played Tchaikovsky the year before he again saw a piece of paper. Now it read:
"Mrs. Smith (Toscanini"s pupil). Music Lessons. Four Dollars a Lesson"
A Great Painter and a Great Doctor
Joseph Turner was a great English painter. He had a dog which he loved very much. One day he was playing with his dog. The dog fell and broke his leg. Turner sent for a doctor. But he did not want to send for a vet.1 He sent for the best doctor in London.
When the doctor came Turner said, "Doctor, I"m glad you have come. My dog has broken a leg. I know that you are too great for this work, but please, do it. It"s so important to me."
The doctor was angry but he did not show it.
Next day the doctor asked Turner to come to his house. "The doctor wants to see me about my dog," Turner thought.
When Turner got to the doctor"s house the doctor said, "Mr Turner, I"m glad to see you. I want to. ask you to paint my door. I know that you are too great for this work, but please, do it. It"s so important to me."
The Policeman and the Thief
In a small town a man stole1 some money from a house. The police began to look for the thief. Soon they found him and brought him to the police station.
There was a new policeman at the police station and they wanted to give him some work.
"Take this thief to the city," said one of the policemen. "You must go there by train."
The policeman and the thief went to the station. On their way to the station they came to the shop where bread was sold
"We have no food and we must eat something in the train," said th° thief. "It"s a long way to the city and it"ll take us a long time to get there. I"ll go into the shop and buy some bread. Then you and I can eat in the train. Wait for me here."
The policeman was glad to have some food in the train. "Be quick," he said to the thief, "we don"t have much time."
The thief went into the shop and the policeman waited in the street for a long time. At last he went into the shop.
"Where is the man who came in here to buy some bread?" asked the policeman
"Oh, he went out the back door," said the owner of the shop.
The policeman ran out but he could not see the thief. So he went to the police station and told the others about it. They were very angry with him. All the police of the town began to look forthe thief again and soon they found him. They brought him back to the police station and called the same policeman.
"Now," said one of them, "take him to the city and do not lose him again."
The policeman and the thief went to the station and came up to the same shop.
"Wait here," said the thief. "I want to go into the shop and buy some bread there."
"Oh, no," said the policeman, "you did that once and ran away. Now I"ll go into the shop and you"ll wait for me here."
Not a Robber
A young man who lived in the suburbs" of a big English city was going home from the railway station. It was a dark night and there was nobody in the street. Suddenly he heard somebody walking behind him. The faster he went, the faster the man ran after him. At last he decided to turn into a small street to see what the man would do.2 After a few minutes he looked back and saw that the man was still running after him.
"He wants to rob me," the young man thought. He saw a high garden wall and jumped over it. The other man jumped over the wall too. Now the young man was sure that the man behind him was a robber. But he could not understand why the robber was not in a hurry2 to attack him.
The young man did not know what to do. Then he turned round and said, "What do you want? Why are you following me?"
"Do you always go home in this way? Or are you taking some exercise today?" answered the man. "I"m going to Mr White, but I don"t know where he lives. A man at the railway station told me to follow you, because I could find his house very easily as Mr White lives next door to you. Will you go home or will you do some more gymnastics?"
The Mouse and the Corn
Many, many years ago there lived a king who said that anyone who could tell a story for two years would get1 a piece of land.
First one man tried but his story lasted only two weeks. Another man finished his story after five days. A third man began his story like this:
"Once a farmer planted some corn. When the corn grew the farmer gathered it and put it into a shed. Then the mouse came into the shed and began to eat the corn."
The man went on, "The mouse took a grain of corn, the mouse took a grain of corn, the mouse took a grain of corn..."
The King interrupted the story, "Well, what was after this?"
"I can"t tell you," answered the man, "because the mouse hasn"t finished eating the corn yet."
"All right," said the king, "you will get a piece of land."
For Those Who Like to Travel
One day a Paris newspaper gave an advertisement3 about a very cheap4 and pleasant way of travelling - for 25 centimes.5 Many people believed it and sent the money.
A few days later each of them got a letter. The letter read: "Sir, rest in bed and remember that the Earth turns. Paris stands at the 49th parallel. At the 49th parallel you travel more than 25,000 kilometres a, day. You may look out of the window and watch the beautiful sky."
A Clever Fisherman
A fisherman brought a very large fish to a rich man"s house. The rich man asked the fisherman to name his price for the fish. "I don"t want money," was the answer. "One hundred lashes on my back is the price of my fish. I won"t take one lash less!"
The rich man was surprised and said, "Well, this fisherman is very strange, but we must have the fish. So let the price be paid."
After fifty lashes the fisherman cried, "Stop! Stop! I have a partner in my business and he must get his part, too." "Where can I find him?" asked the rich man.
"He"s your own servant. He didn"t want to let me come into your house till I promised to give him half of the price of the fish."
Two Brothers
Once there were two brothers, Peter and Bernard. Both of them liked to ride horses. One day they both went to buy a horse. Bernard bought a horse and Peter bought a horse, too.
"Oh, dear!" said Bernard. "How are we going to tell our horses apart? How shall I know which is my horse and which is your horse?"
"It isn"t difficult," said Peter, "you cut the tail of your horse shorter than that of mine."
So Bernard cut the tail of his horse and now they could see which horse was his. But then the tail of Bernard"s horse grew and the brothers began to think again.
"I know!" said Bernard. "You cut the mane of your horse very short and so we"ll see which horse is yours."
But soon the mane of his horse grew.
"Do you know what we must do?" asked Peter. "We must see whose horse is longer. Perhaps, one is longer than the other."
And at last they found that the black horse was three centimetres longer than the white horse.
Quick Thinking
One night a hotel caught fire1 and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes.
Two men were standing near the hotel and looking at the fire. "Before I came out," said one of them, "I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money there. People don"t think about money when they are in panic. When paper money gets into a fire, the fire burns it. So I took all the paper money that I could find. No one will be poorer because I took it."
"You don"t know me," said the other man, "and you don"t know what I am."
"And where do you work?"
"I"m a policeman."
"Oh!" cried the first man. He thought quickly and then he said, "And do you know what I am?"
"No," said the policeman.
"I"m a writer. I"m always telling stories about things that never took place."
Chemist"s Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It"s the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I"ll be damned if I didn"t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Уровень B. Прочее.
I would like to tell you about
I would like to tell you about the story, happened to me 5 years ago. I am not crazy. I hope you will believe me.
It was cold winter and I was really happy about leaving the school, because Christmas holidays has already begun. My name is Edgar, I"m 16 years old, studying in common russian school. I do not have a lot of friends, because I do not like having fun and talking to somebody, if you are interested in my biography.
I had a best friend, called Mark. He was the same age as me and did not have friends, except me. All night long we were spending time, talking and reading horror books. It was awesome and very creepy. I had the same interests as my friend, so we liked the same stories. But one of them was my favorite, because there was an interesting and mysterious thing that i spot. It was the shortest book I have ever read, which contained only 5 pages but sixth was torn away. We had found this book in the old small library and had stolen it away. Me and my friend are not the thiefs, by way, but we really needed it to Study and find out what riddle was hidden in that strange book, written by the unknown author. So, our story began.
Having read that book incompletely, we realized that all events happened in our town! It describes about the old abandoned clinic that settled in the woods. We needed more information.
2 weeks ago, after studying it attentively and searching huge amount of information on the internet, we puzzled out where is that old building situated. My friend has written down the coordinates quickly and we went in the forest.
Unluckily, our small "group" has reached the hospital when it began to dusk. I saw many broken windows and dirty things. Allin all it was very horribly. We went down the stairs in the catacombs and decided to split.
I really regret about that decision. After 15 minutes I have spent in the dark I began to call my friend. Nobody answered. One more 10 minutes passed that I spend, walking and turning in a different directions. Suddenly I stunned. I do not know what exactly I saw till nowadays. There was a creature straight ahead from me, which has been sitting, shaking hands and eating something. I decided to silently go away but after he spot me, I ran away at once. I had been running till I reached my house.
At conclusion, I want to say that of course, nobody believed me, even my parents. I have not seen my friend 3 years already and I did not go to the forest and will not go there anyway.
Я хотел бы сказать вам об истории, которая случилась со мной 5 лет назад. Я не сумасшедший. Я надеюсь, вы поверите мне.
Было холодно зимой, и я был очень рад окончанию школы, потому что рождественские праздники уже начались. Меня зовут Эдгар, 16 лет, учусь в обычной русской школе. У меня немного друзей, потому что я не люблю веселиться и говорить с кем-либо, если вы заинтересованы в моей биографии.
У меня был лучший друг, которого зовут Марк. Он был того же возраста, что и я, и у него не было друзей, кроме меня. Всю ночь мы проводили время, разговаривая и читая страшные книги. Это было потрясающе и очень жутко. У меня были те же интересы, что и у моего друга, так что нам нравились одни и те же истории. Но одна из них была моей любимой, потому что в ней была интересная и таинственная вещь, которую я обнаружил. Это была самая короткая книга, которую я когда-либо читал, в которой содержалось всего 5 страниц, но шестая была оторвана. Мы нашли эту книгу в старой небольшой библиотеке и украли ее. Мы не воры, если что, но нам действительно нужно было изучить и понять, что за загадка была спрятана в этой странной книге, написанной неизвестным автором. Итак, наша история началась.
Прочитав эту книгу полностью, мы поняли, что все события произошли в нашем городе! Она описывает старую заброшенную клинику, которая располагалась в лесу. Нам нужно было больше информации.
2 недели назад, после внимательного изучения и поиска огромного количества информации в Интернете, мы поняли где расположено это старое здание. Мой друг быстро записал координаты, и мы пошли в лес.
К несчастью, наша маленькая «группа» достигла больницу, когда начало смеркаться. Я увидел множество разбитых окон и грязные вещи. В целом все это выглядело очень ужасно. Мы спустились по лестнице в катакомбы и решили разделиться.
Я действительно сожалею об этом решении. После 15 минут, которые я провел в темноте я начал звать моего друга. Никто не ответил. Прошло еще 10 минут, что я потратил, идя и поворачивая в разных направлениях. Вдруг я замер. Я до сих пор не знаю что я там увидел. Там было существо прямо от меня, которое сидело, шевелило руками и ело что-то. Я решил молча уйти, но после того как он заметил меня, я сразу убежал. Я бежал, пока я достиг моего дома.
В заключение я хочу сказать, что, конечно, никто не поверил мне, даже мои родители. Я не видел своего друга уже 3 года и я больше не ходил в лес и не пойду туда в любом случае.
Очередной интересный текст на английском языке с переводом и озвучкой (аудио) носителем из моего курса для начинающих "Английский по скайпу с Викторией Фабишек". Также вам будут интересны и полезны другие истории на английском в разделе . При копировании текста, перевода или аудио и размещении на сторонник ресурсах ссылка на этот сайт обязательна.
Если вы желаете больше практиковаться на английском, причем, не только онлайн, но и по skype, то . Я вам помогу.
A MAGIC RING
Once upon a time there lived a young farmer. He worked very hard but was very poor. One day when he was far from home in the forest, an old woman looking like a peasant came up to him and said, «I know you work very hard, and all for nothing. I will give you a magic ring! It will make you rich, and your work won’t be in vain. When you turn the ring on your finger and say what you wish to have, you’ll have it at once! But there is only one wish in the ring, so think carefully before you wish.»
The astonished farmer took the ring given to him by the peasant woman, and went home. In evening he came to a big city. There he went to a merchant and showed him the magic ring. When the merchant heard the astonishing story, he thought of a plan. He invited the farmer to stay in his house for the night. At night he came up to the sleeping peasant, carefully took the ring off the man’s finger, and put on another ring, which looked exactly like the one he had taken off.
In the morning when the farmer had gone away, the merchant ran into his shop, shut the door, and said while turning the ring on his finger, «I wish to have a hundred thousand pieces of gold.» And down they came, on his head, shoulders, and arms, like a rain of gold! The frightened merchant tried to get out of the shop, but in vain. In a few minutes he was dead.
When the farmer returned home, he showed the ring to his wife. «Take a look at this ring,» he said. «It’s a magic ring! It will make us happy.”
The astonished woman could hardly say a word «Let’s try. Maybe the ring will bring us more land,» she said at last.
“We must be careful about our wish. Don’t forget there’s only one thing that we may ask for,» he explained. «Let’s better work hard for another year, and we’ll have more land.”
So they worked as hard as they could and got enough money to buy the land they wished to have. «What happy people we are!» said the farmer.
“I don’t understand you,» answered his wife angrily. «There’s nothing in the world that we can’t have, and still we spend days and nights working as hard as before, because you don’t want to use your magic ring!”
Thirty, then forty years had gone by. The farmer and his wife had grown old. Their hair became as white as snow. They were happy and had everything they wanted. Their ring was still there. Although it was not a magic ring, it had made them happy. For you see, my dear friends, a poor thing in good hands is better than a fine thing in bad hands.
ВОЛШЕБНОЕ КОЛЬЦО
Жил-был молодой фермер, который работал усердно, но так и не разбогател. Однажды, когда он был далеко от дома в лесу, какая-то старая женщина крестьянского вида подошла к нему и произнесла:
Я знаю, ты работаешь словно вол, но все напрасно. Я дам тебе волшебное колечко - ты будешь богат, как того и заслуживаешь. Как только повернешь кольцо и произнесешь желание, оно исполнится. Но только раз ты можешь его использовать. Так что, хорошо подумай прежде чем загадать!
Удивленный фермер взял колечко и отправился домой. Он думал об этой интересной истории, не переставая. По пути он зашел в к купцу и показал ему подарок. Когда тот услышал увлекательную историю, он пригласил фермера остаться ночевать у себя в доме. Ночью он подкрался к простофиле, аккуратно снял кольцо с пальца, а вместо него нанизал другое, которое было точно таким же.
Утром, когда фермер проснулся и ушел домой, богач прибежал к себе в магазин, повернул кольцо и воскликнул: "Желаю, чтобы у меня было сто тысяч золотых слитков!". Потом он повернул кольцо, и тут же на его голову, плечи, да и на все тело пролился дождь из золота. Испуганный купец пытался бежать, но напрасно - слишком много падало золота. Вскоре он был погребен под слитками и умер.
Когда фермер пришел домой, он решился рассказать жене о своем кольце.
Возьми его, оно волшебное. Мы будем счастливы!
Удивленная женщина едва не потеряла дар речи.
Интересная история, а давай попробуем... Может быть, у нас будет больше земли, - наконец она произнесла.
Мы должны быть осторожны со своими желаниями. Помни, у нас только один шанс, - пояснил он. - Давай будем работать еще усерднее, тогда мы сможем купить еще земли и без кольца.
Они работали изо всех сил, заработали денег и расширили границы участка. Радости их не было предела.
